CARNET DE VOYAGE (28) Damien

Vendredi 15 septembre

J’ai mis le réveil tôt ce matin en espérant pouvoir filmer le lever du soleil, mais comme la veille, il fait gris. Je suis obligé de mettre mes chaussettes mouillées de la veille car les chaussures sont encore trempées… De bon matin ce n’est pas très agréable… J’ai marché plus d’une heure. C’est la première fois que je me retrouve seul un moment depuis le départ, le temps d’une petit introspection qui avait commencée pendant la nuit. Le bilan n’est pas très bon. On a fait un mois déjà et je n’ai pas obtenu globalement ce que j’espérais, non pour le film, car je me suis toujours douté que nous n’obtiendrions pas facilement quelque chose des personnes rencontrées au hasard, mais plus sur le plan personnel. Je cherche à me mettre à l'épreuve, je sais que l'on peut profiter de tout et de chaque chose, mais la pression est trop forte, je me promets juste une chose, c'est de ne pas abandonner.... Le soleil revient mais on ne démarre pas. On a plein de chose à faire mais Arnaud insiste une fois de plus pour aller dans une laverie. On ira, on prendra le temps, comme souvent et j’ai du mal à m’insérer dans le trio aujourd’hui. Je fini par crever les abcès, je supporte depuis longtemps un rôle qui ne me convient pas (celui du producteur) et depuis peu me voilà banquier. Je ne m'en était pas rendu compte mais le fait qu'Arnaud et Choi n'est aucun moyen d'avoir de l'argent me pèse beaucoup. Je suis constament l'intermédiaire, je dois affronter les gêne de chacuns lorsqu'ils ont besoins d'acheter quelque chose et doit gpêrer pour 3. Je n'ai jamais voulu etre producteur, j'investis mes propres sous uniquement pour que l'aventure puisse exister.... J'aimerais me concentrer sur mon boulot qui est l'image et ne pas être indirectement le responsable du manque financier qui est de plus en plus flagrant. Je ressent pas mal de pressions car je suis le seul qui puisse améliorer nos conditions, j'aimerais qu'Arnaud soit heureux de vivre l'aventure avec nous plutôt qu'il m'en veuille de ne pas payer une nuit d'hotel et la douche qui va avec. Mais voilà on a déjà depassé le budget global qui devait etre dépensé pour tout le voyage et il nous reste l'Islande, qui sera sans doute le plus cher... jusqu'à quel point est on capable de se sacrifier, jusqu'à quel point est on capable de faire passer les autres avant soit... J'ai eu une longue discution avec Arnaud et cette fois s'était Choi qui faisait le tampon... j'ai décider de leur prêter une somme fixe qu'il aurait à gérer eux même jusqu'à la fin du tournage, ceci m'épargnant tout les petits à coté des vrais besoin du tournage. Depuis ce petit clash, je me sent beaucoup mieux et le trio se reforme un peu, du coup la fin de la journée est un peu plus efficace. Chacun d’entre nous à un rôle très important dans cette aventure et chaque rupture nous le rappelle. Heureusement que nous sommes trois personnes capable de prendre du recul, sinon il y aurait longtemps que tout se serait arrêté.

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